Sometimes I feel I’m addicted to PAIN. Not to drugs, not to marijuana…. But PAIN…. But how could that be true? How could someone hurt himself. Again and again in the same place, in the same manner. And what kinda stupid excuse is this- “ I’m addicted to PAIN”. As if it makes me look Cool !!! or trendy in some way or the other. No it does not make me a ‘style icon’. However, it does make me look like a nut-head in front of many. The ones who show sympathy behaving well wishers on my face and making fun behind my back. But I don’t really care. What can I say- ‘I’m addicted to it’.
Gosh I’m making funny statements. Maybe I’m out of my mind or something. But deep within I feel content. A feeling of absolute enlightenment. In fact, I barely remember when have I felt this good before!!! Strange but true. I’m addicted to PAIN…. !!!!
People may or should I say people would judge me base upon my actions. Everyone does.
‘Oh he’s a Sadist’…………………..
‘You know what he’s a Moron. Thinks of himself of a trend setter or something………………..’
‘Awwwww……………He’s too sissy…………..’
‘Come on dude……… be a Man……….. J’
Well I just love this statement – ‘Be a Man’. As if I’m not being man enough to admit to the fact that I love PAIN. At least I’m not one of the so called self proclaimed MEN, who hide their fears and ambitions with a bottle of Rum. The ones who love to sing but just within the walls of the bathroom under the shower. I just don’t want to end up like that. Being a Mozart in the bathroom.
Even I have had my share of miseries in life. I have stood alone in a dark, locked room screaming at the top of my voice, with the music turned on to full volume. But u know what…. I like being that way. At least that’s the only quality time I spend with myself.
Or maybe when I ride my bike at a speed of 120 km/hr on a not so open highway. Maybe I do it for adventure. Or to feel the adrenaline rush inside me. But the truth is – ‘my love’s calling me. And I can’t avoid it….!!!’.
I have always had a feeling of being left out. Being avoided coz I prefer to ride instead of driving. As if driving (read crawling) on the already over cluttered roads makes more of a status symbol. But come on. Whom are we kidding. We all like to show off. And a guy with a fancy car is always considered to be better than the one with a bike. That’s the ugly truth. And confronting such situations is a PAIN in itself. Well just FYI…… I ride coz wanna enjoy the feel of air around me. To embrace the spirit of freedom and oneness with myself. As quoted by someone – ‘four wheels drive the body… two wheels drive the soul…!!!’
Similar is the call when I fail in exams. Or fail in life for that matter. I feel bad when people make fun of me. When people I consider close to me, actually turn out to be backstabbers. When people accuse me of being a good for nothing. Blaming me for all the wrong deeds that I’ve done intentionally or unintentionally. I feel the pain. In fact even more than I can take at time. So what… it’s an overdose of love. And it can never be that bad for sure….. J
PAIN as a feeling, has existed since the world began. Since Miss Eve decided to have the forbidden fruit. Even Love for that matter can’t exist without PAIN. They go hand in hand. My mother took a lot of pain to bring me into this world. And no doubt I’m in love with her since I opened my eyes. In fact often tend to believe in the fact that the more you feel the PAIN, the more you LOVE. Although I shouldn’t talk more on LOVE here right now coz I’m not a good making statements about LOVE. I have had my share of sufferings and miseries here as well. No mercy has ever been granted to me on this front. I have had my share of PAIN here as well….!!!
But again I would like to question- who hasn’t?? Being in Love or not being in Love. Make love or have Sex. It’s all gonna end into PAIN. People make compromises, sacrifices. Mask their faces with a fake smile or grin. But deep within everyone is hiding a lot of PAIN.
The only difference between me and the others is that I just Love PAIN. Instead of hiding it or maybe trying to avoid it ….. I just feel like embracing it with open arms. And I’m not exaggerating. I would like not just to walk on the edge, but to slip off the edge. To feel what it feels like when I fall. To feel the moment while I’m falling and just about to hit the ground. The fear, the excitement….. followed by the PAIN…!!! And trust me here folks the moment I recover, I’d go back to walk on the same edge just to fall off a higher peak this time and to feel my Love from even deeper within me.
I often use to believe when others called me a loser. I even started believing to that fact that I am good for nothing. I can only be made fun of. And you know what…. I started believing it so much that I myself started cracking jokes at me. First I thought it would entertain others. And up to an extent yes….. it did amuse people around me. But at the end of the day I was the loser. And by making fun of myself, I had sealed their allegations. At the end of the day, I was at the receiving end. I had to suffer. To feel the PAIN…. Maybe that’s when my love for PAIN grew even stronger.
And today as I see myself, it’s like a drug for me. Call it marijuana, or weed for that matter. PAIN is my drug. It’s no more a problem to me. Rather I see it as the only solution. Nothing excites me more that the feeling of being in PAIN. At least this is the only thing that’s gonna stay with me when everyone else has left.
What can I say – “I’m addicted to PAIN….”
